what i am racing for
i’ve been realizing how caught up i’ve been in status games.
i realize how much i’ve chased things for prestige without sight of what i might be curious about and what i enjoy doing outside the context of it granting validation from others. the college i go to, the work i do, the way i gain measurable trust in others had been so tied to credentials.
when extracting the prestige from my identity, i’m really not sure who i am or what I want. outside the context of what i have done, i have no idea how to distinguish supporting my curiosities versus my ego.
i realize i found trouble in even starting normal conversations with others without feeling a need to retreat to traditionally 'safe' questions like "what college do you go to" or "what do you do?" i would find it especially hard to talk to older people because i would not know how to dive deeper and get someone to share something new rather than spit out information that they've probably repeated over and over with every introduction.
for what i lacked in curiosity, i made up with self-proclaimed 'passions'. for what i failed to ask in questions, i make up with going back to past accomplishments.
even claiming to 'not care about status' by leaving university for other interests is a form of status. even writing about 'not caring about status' is a status, because it's a form of expressing being better than others for being aware of this.
so what should my relationship be to status? i've become so used to caring about how i come off that i've forgotten what it's like to not care about it. i wonder if only outside the environment of others caring about status will i become more clear minded as what actually matters. but maybe none of it matters, and maybe it's time to be more okay with that.
what i’ve been up to
i’m going to be in nyc this saturday (8/27) til end of monday (8/29)! lmk if you’re around & let’s catchup :)
classes start next week and i’m feeling pretty excited about it, but literally everyone seems to doubt that i’m going to make it through this semester and i hope to prove them wrong
been interested in learning more on finance/history of money/how it translates to power/control in society
learned yesterday that the president of the US only earns 400k a year and i’m literally so shook
realized recently that i like art more as a meditative thing than something i want to pursue as a career, has been fun to do on the side to calm myself down and have an outing of ‘this doesn’t have to be for anything but myself’